when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
