Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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