I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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