I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
