Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
this hospital has no fireball
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
