He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
