im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
