Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
