worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
