rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
