i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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