Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize