The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
