dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
