my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
