I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
