11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize