Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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