8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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