dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
