Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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