Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
