dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
