I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
