My liver just broke up with me...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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