At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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