My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
