What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
