She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
