The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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