Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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