I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
