so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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