meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
