Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
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