My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
