Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
