the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
