Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
