she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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