I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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