I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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