I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
