I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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