Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I can't turn off my feet"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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