the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
