I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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