onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
