mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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