i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
