I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
