Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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