Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
