who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...